I wrote this post over three years ago when I was suffering from anxiety and the baby blues. Looking back, I totally had postpartum depression (PPD) yet I was scared to own up to that. I was blessed with two healthy kids - why should I be sad? This post goes out to all the moms who are trying to accomplish one thing - dealing with the baby blues. Moms, you have time - you will be you again soon.
It's 12:06 AM. I finally have a chance to sit down and write. I have missed writing this blog.
Damn it has been a crazy nine weeks. Nine weeks ago, Brian and I welcomed our second daughter, Juliana Rose, into the world. On the day she was born, Brian switched jobs. Yes, huge life changes all at once. Now, we are the parents to not one but two kids. Yep, 2 kids!
Brian works longer hours. He has a longer commute. It gets dark so early now. I had cabin fever. I still have cabin fever. Getting two kids out of the house in January with snow on the ground is a huge task. It's easier to just stay home. I get anxiety every time Juliana cries in front of others. I would get a full body rash when Madilyn would cry as an infant.
Some would say I have the post baby blues. Maybe it is postpartum depression but how do I know for sure? Add this to the after-holiday blues and way too many cookies... yep, I have been feeling blue.
For 9 weeks I was hard on myself. After the baby arrives, not only do you have to take care of the little one with less sleep, YOU are not the same. Nope, I am not the same. I cut my hair when I was pregnant and now I am trying to grow out my bangs. This is never fun. I still have about 10 pounds to lose. My jeans will probably never fit again... I need to buy new jeans and that is extra money that I hate spending... I had to stop this way of thinking.
Sure, I am not the same person as I was before kids but that is what is so beautiful about it. Plus, now I have an excuse to go get all new makeup and maybe some new jeans.
Check out this post baby belly. I am embracing it. I am sharing it with the world. Sure, it is not a six pack but this beautiful belly helped me grow my two beautiful daughters. I have time to get my body back. I have all the time in the world.
I have even thought about reading books about this exact topic but decided to enjoy my babies instead. I have time. Right now, my focus is on my girls.
No, I am not the same person I was before kids. I have stopped trying to be.
Now more than ever, I am trying to find that balance. That daily rhythm. I am trying to find that work/life balance that we are all craving.
Most days, I love being home with the girls.
Some days, I wish I had a day job to sneak away to. Some days, I wish I could get a sitter so I could just sleep the day away.
Every day, I try my best to count my blessings. Suffering a miscarriage in-between my girls shows me what a gift each baby is. These days are tough but at least I have my girls.
I consider myself a stay-at-home mom but I also have this strong desire to help women get back in the kitchen and cook real food. I know that when I do get a chance to cook, I feel better. When I am connected to my food, life just seems to make more sense to me. I am more grounded. I want to help other women feel this way too. I am still trying to find that balance. My goal everyday is to be present in the moment. Enjoy what I am doing when I am doing it.
I cook some nights. Some nights, we order pizza. Some nights, we have apple slices with peanut butter. Some nights, I make a beautiful soup. Some nights, Brian makes eggs. Taking care of two kids has been the most challenging yet amazing job of my life. My house is a mess most of the time. Madilyn's playroom is covered in Cinderella stickers, dolls, dress up clothes and sippy cups are all around. Play dough is stuck in the carpet in the playroom. That playroom was once my office space.
Some days, I am overwhelmed and cry. Some days, I just watch Madilyn do her crafts and I am in awe that she is my daughter. Some days, I hold Juliana and can not believe how blessed I am. Some days, Juliana is crying and Madilyn doesn't make it to the bathroom and she pees her pants. Some days, they both sleep in and I can sneak downstairs and have a few minutes to myself.
Every day, I try to count my blessings.
Lessons learned so far as a mother of 2:
1. Something's gotta give. I like things to be organized and planned out. Not gonna happen with two kiddos. What matters is that I do my best to care for the girls. Anything else is not important right now.
2. Ask for help. There is no award for doing it all yourself.
3. Let your mother-in-law do your laundry. Or clean your fridge. Before two kids, I never would allow her to do those things. Now, I say "YES!!" when she asks if she can do things and I love her for being willing to help us so much.
4. Let your mom take down all your holiday/seasonal decorations. Again, say "YES!!!" when others are willing to help. Thanks mama.
5. Sneak away by yourself whenever possible. Leaving the house with two kids in the middle of winter is like preparing for a trip around the world. When I have help, I sneak away for an hour at the gym or grab a tea at Starbucks. I come back refreshed. I come back excited to see the girls.
6. Pump and schedule a date night with the hubs. Get away with your husband for the weekend if you can. If breast feeding, you know that it is alot of pressure to always be the one to feed the baby. Every time Madilyn would cry when Brian held her, he would say, "I think she's hungry." I was always nursing Madilyn. It's OK to let someone else feed the baby.
7. If breast feeding, buy a double electric pump. Worth every penny.
8. Chill the heck out. If they are both happy and breathing I must be doing something right.
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