The weather stinks. I am usually covered in baby puke. I desperately need a hair cut. Yes, I have the baby blues. I am getting better but I know it is still there.
I know I am blessed. Both of my girls are cute as heck and healthy. Healthy... thank goodness. I think this actually makes me feel even more guilty. Why am I so damn sad all day long when I should be happy and having fun?
One word - control. I have not had control over my day. I needed to take the reigns. We need more of a routine. Kids thrive on it. We need some flexibility of course but some routine just feels good.
We have been having a hard time with the girls sleeping over the last few weeks. When I don't sleep, I tend to lose my patience, cry and cry some more. I am overwhelmed. I feel like a failure. Not fun. As a stay at home mom, this is my "job." It is my job, my responsibility, to figure this out. Our sweet little Juliana was a great sleeper for the first 3 months. She slept so soundly in her bassinet all night long. She would wimper and I would gently reach down and nurse her, put her back in her crib and she would peacefully sleep until 8 AM. We were loving life. Well, around 3 1/2 months, she became more aware of her surroundings and was awake more - including nighttime. We moved her into her crib down the hall and nights later I found myself as a human pacifier - nursing her every hour.
Well, last night it all changed. I had that breath of fresh air - a new perspective - that I so desperately needed. We met with the girls pediatrician. I cried. As a family, our doctor, which we adore, sat us down as a family and we came up with a sleep plan. No one wants to hear their baby cry. It gives me terrible anxiety. However, I know that this pattern can not continue. I haven't slept in weeks and I was beginning to resent my kids. I wanted sleep so bad. Our pediatrician sat me down and told me, "Let's get control of this. You need your life back. You deserve sleep. You need it. Your kids need you to have it." Brian looked at me and said, "OK, this is it. We are doing this." She recommended that Brian take the lead. What, wait? Not me? Nope. I had to let this go.
Last night, our daily lives changed in a positive way. Brian did take the lead and everything went amazingly well. Yes, Juliana fussed a little. There were some tears. However, she never was hysterical. She calmed herself. She self soothed on her own. All I needed to do was give her the change. I was so against "crying it out" but it never lead to that anyway. Just letting go a little allowed her to learn something new. Hope tonight goes just as well.
A few weeks ago, my sister Katie and I had a great talk about being moms. She works a couple days a week outside the home. I stay home with my girls all week and have help come in to give me a few hrs to work on my health coaching business. She said to me, "You just have to own it, Bets." I loved that and think about it often. Sure, some days I wish I worked outside the home. Sure, some days the house is a mess, neither child naps and I just want to run. However, before I had Madilyn, I made the decision that I wanted to be home with my girls until they go to school. That was my personal decision and I need to own it and work it. There is plenty of time for regular blogging, plenty of time for the live cooking classes I want to do, plenty of time for writing a book... the world can wait. It's OK, really.
I know that this is just one challenge in motherhood. Any small success feels like a huge achievement.
Own your food too. Add some great ingredients to packaged pancakes. Go ahead, have pancakes for dinner this week.
Follow the directions on the box but consider some of these ideas:
- read the ingredients on your packaged pancake mix. Buy one that has minimal, real ingredients.
- fry in coconut oil instead of canola oil. Canola oil is a cheap oil which lacks in nutrition.
- add in some ground flaxseed or chia seeds.
- add in some grated cooked carrots.
- add some mashed bananas or leftover sweet potatoes for added moisure and nutrition.
- consider using coconut or almond milk instead of cows milk.
- use real maple syrup.