Want to know why I never named my miscarried baby? I was scared. I didn't want the story of my miscarriage and loss to be real. I have been in denial for years.
Ever since I read the book, "Heaven is For Real", I have wondered a lot about my faith. When I first had my miscarriage, I really questioned my faith. Through the years, I think that this experience of loss has actually made my faith stronger. In the book, there is a part when the little boy meets a little girl in heaven and realizes that she is his sister. He later tells his mom that he met her in heaven. She didn't have a name because her mom and dad didn't name her. I know - tears for years. I cried like a baby. I later told Brian that we should name our heaven baby. Years have gone by and we never did. I was scared.
My lovely friend Kristi who blogs over at Klover House and talks openly about her miscarried child who her and her family named E.J., also inspired me to think about naming our own precious heaven baby.
Over the weekend, something magical happened. I was in Juliana's room sitting in her rocking chair. She was on my lap and Madilyn was standing next to us. The girls LOVE to hear me talk about when they were in my belly so I told them some of my favorite pregnancy memories. Something told me that this was the moment to tell them about my miscarriage. Madilyn had a ton of questions: "Why would God make that baby die, momma?", "Was that baby going to be Juliana?", "Where is the baby now?, "Were you really sad, mom?" and "Where was I mom when that happened?" - to name a few. I know, bless her little 5-year-old heart.
Out of nowhere Madilyn says to me, "Mom, let's name the baby Sam. That could be a girl name or a boy name, right?" Oh my goodness. Chills up and down my spine. I had one of those moments when I knew God was present. He was there helping me tell my girls all about their brother or sister in Heaven. He was also letting me know that he/she is OK. I wasn't scared anymore. There was a peace in my heart that I have never felt before.
It took me years to give our baby in Heaven a name. Our sweet Madilyn named our heaven baby and I find so much joy in this. As I write this, Sam would be a three and a half year old getting ready to celebrate his or her forth birthday in October. He/she would be getting ready for preschool this fall. It's impossible to not think about the "what if." However, I wonder if we would have had Juliana in our lives. Brian and I have always said we wanted two kids. Did God know that she belongs with us? Makes me think.
Every day since I lost my child, I have gotten stronger. I will never forget. I am grateful for the experience now. I can finally see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Almost four years later, I finally have the strength to share my story with my kids - and our sweet baby has a name.
My sweet baby, I am so glad that you have a name now. My sweet Sam. Thank you. Thank you for helping me have a stronger faith every day. I love you so much. I'll see you in my dreams.
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